Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Tips For An Aspiring Dictator

This was written for a prompt about a year ago, with the title being the prompt. Hammered this out in about ten minutes.

Ok, here’s a few things you need to do.

First off, don’t just go full fascist. Sudden and abrupt change is shocking, and is a good way to have angry mobs pissed off at you. Go gradual. Chip away at freedoms and individual rights a little bit at a time. Do stuff in an “emergency” that actually never ends once people get used to extra “security measures” for their “protection”.

That paves the way for you to get away with stuff that seems really asinine. Like a trillion dollar coin. Did you know that was actually the plot of a Simpsons episode about ten years ago? Amazing how inspirational satire can be sometimes. Actually, roll with that. Find crazy plots and stuff from comedy shows, things that people would never expect to happen in real life. Then do them. People will laugh at you, sure, and shake their heads, but that’s all part of the plan. They’ll stop taking you serious, and pay less attention to you because they think you’re too stupid to even change your own underwear.

And that’s when you do the stealth moves. Hiding gun control riders in farm subsidy bills. Subtle increases to transportation security. Slowly hiking up the price of gas to reduce the mobility of your civilian population. Executive orders out the wazoo if your Congress doesn't let you do what you want.

Create a culture of mistrust, get the people to fight each other and all manner of imaginary threats, make everyone hate everyone else, and it’ll be impossible for them to unify against you. Then your decade of heavy military spending gets you an army well-equipped enough to deal with even the entire civilian population rising up against you.

Oh yeah, on that note, it’d be good to work on indoctrination programs to bolster loyalty in the military to you, rather than the country or whatever. That way you won’t have half of them joining the rebels on principle when they start whining about “trampling the Constitution” and “committing treason” and whatever other whiny excuses they come up with.

And then comes the best part of all. Bears. Lots of bears.

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